For those who've read my posts before you know I'm open and honest. Even if that makes the reader (or me) uncomfortable. In a world of filters, editors and likes sometimes we blur ourselves to be accepted. I've done it too. But this year I have felt myself getting stronger and bolder and more passionate about life. I have removed so much negativity which has allowed so many great opportunities and experiences in but there is one last dragon at the gate.
Now this is not a man-bashing session at all. I have been cheated on, punched, sexually assaulted, verbally abused my a tiny number of men but not all 3.6 Billion of them. Just a few absolute cretins slipped through the net. I am fortunate enough to have some amazing men in my life who love, support, encourage and entertain me. I fall in love in moments because I can find a good energy sexy as hell and every human is different so no matter what I have experienced with certain individuals I will never tarnish a whole people because of a few dark experiences.
However those experiences have shaped me. Well shoved me into a tiny mind box and I'm ready to break out.
In the past couple of weeks I have been on some incredible hen dos with some wonderful women. Groups of women usually make me anxioud because I don't think I'm a very good one (keep reading, it'll make sense). On the first night out a guy took a shine to me in a club, we had a little dance, a little smooch, he chatted to my pal, I went and had a drunken anxiety attack in the worlds tiniest toilet cubicle because I decided that because she's smaller than me, white and pretty that he prefered her and I was a bet put on by his mates to get with the giant brown girl with the big hair. Yep, my brain created this insane theory that meant the bride to be had to wipe away my tears, physically shake me and tell me to woman up!
The treatment I have had from men both who love me and don't, has caused me to create a distorted image of myself. After getting attacked in 2009 I became more away of how I dressed, not wating to 'attract the wrong attention' I was wearing a vest top, shorts and flip flops at the time. But at 6'2 in heels I usually attract attention. And some people like to be really verbal (or physical - why do they always touch my hair!?) about it. So I want to make myself as small and unnoticeable as possible but then I'm not being true to myself.
Every man I have had what is best described as a sustained monogamous relationship with has returned to their 5'5 white, pretty, long brunette haired girlfriend - making me feel like a phase/experiment/fashion statement. A couple have even stated that's what I've been 'I always said I'd be with a light skinned, light eyed, actress' yeah...sure..bye mate! Growing up in a sporty household I would happily join tournaments in the garden, collecting newts at the local stream, not being very lady like but seeing my brothers and their friends date very 'ladylike' girls (one's who wake up an hour earlier to do their hair and make up and don't swear like a sailor). I've been told 'you're actually quite pretty and alright for a fat girl'. More than once.
I want to be me, shorts, heels, big hair, hoop earrings, the loudest laugh you've heard. Not for attention but because that is how I like to express myself. But the world tells you a lady should be little, quiet, not make too much noise or mess, let the man be bigger and stronger than her. Sorry society but God/genetics (whatever your preference) didn't pick those traits out of the lego box when they created me.
I am being me. Expressing myself, it makes me feel like I am radiating joy. When I'm working, in class, at the theatre that is how I feel so I'm taking that into the real world!
The second hen do I didn't think about what men would think about me. I wore outfits that made me say damn at myself in the mirror. I danced, I laughed, I learnt about the 11 other strangers I was with ( I only knew the bride and 1 other hen). One hen said that when she saw me at the airport, big hair, sunnies, she thought 'She's too cool for us' when I did my flappy wave and exclaimed 'Hiya loves!' she realised looks can be decieving. Society has planted an image on me but my soul has other plans.
Having my oldest friends all marrying and starting families doesn't make me jealous, it makes me ecstatic that they are happy and it makes me realise that I am now ready. I'm not scared anymore. I'm not going to try and be a lady anymore. I am going to live and whoever wants to join in, can. I'm gonna wear heels, I'm gonna amp up my curls and I'm going to laugh so hard that you can probably hear me from where you are now. If a fella sees me and notices that I have big thighs and long legs, a decent pair and full filler-free lips, he gets a gold star for observation. If that's something he finds visually pleasing that's his business not mine. But if that's all he sees he is missing out on all the magic that lies underneath. That these women in the past two weeks have made me realise is there. And is welcome to come out.
To you women I say thank you. And to you sir who sees the shell, handles it with care then gets to hear the ocean on the inside - I look forward to meeting you.