For my last blog of 2015 I was gonna do a big round of my year like I did last year - you know that really long list of ten mammoth paragraphs about stuff I liked in 2014. Then I thought no lets do something a little different. So I wrote a rap about my year. Then realised I am not Eminem and left that hidden in the dark depths of my blog book. As I've been blogging pretty regularly I've had all bases covered this year and if you don't know what I've been up to you're more than welcome to have a little read over Christmas break - I get up to some funny shenanigans sometimes! So no list, no rap, just two little words to sum up my year:
Thank you to those who have faith in me. Who when I've lied face down on the living room floor having an 'I wanted that job' tantrum, listened to me whimper down the phone, cheered when I've achieved amazing things, made sure I got in the Uber at 3am, held my hand, held my hair and held my heart. Thank you.
I have surrounded myself with a #positiveposse this year. People who believe that there is wonder in the world, that they are capable of greatness and who just love to smile, dance in the street, sing on the underground, make yummy treats on dreary days, donate to charity and generally just spread joy. Most of them are people who I have met this year but who's energy is just vibrant and a pleasure to be around.
And also to those who have been by my side for years. Thank you for never giving up on me. For being miles away but still at the end of the phone at the drop of a hat. Who knew me before I decided to change myself and my life, loved me then and love me now. I wouldn't have made the crazy decision to pack up, move counties and catch my dreams if you hadn't told me 'You can do it'. Thank you for always being there. You endured the heartbreak and I am so happy to have you here for the celebration.
Thank you for the little things; helping me get work, helping me get drunk, helping me get over upset, helping me learn lines. Every person has touched my life and taught me something this year for which I am eternally grateful. Even those who I haven't met but have inspired me, Lisa Nichols, Ashley Graham, Carly Bawden, Parris Goebel, Michaela Coel, Tina Fey, Leslie Knope, Kimmy Schmidt (ok those last two are fictional characters but seriously they are my role models!)
2015 has been a test run, a maybe I can do this, lets see what happens, oh wow that was great, I wanna do it again, kinda run. 2016 is the full throttle experience! I will only do what makes me happy. Some people think I'm crazy for it, I think they're crazy for not trying. Most importantly next year I'm going to make time for love. The things, places and people I love. To enjoy them and every experience because I am so thankful for every one them.
Thank you 2015, you've been a banger!
Ok so this is one if those posts I've gone back and forth about. I've written a few drafts in my blog book but never been brave enough/crazy enough to post it. But then their comes a time when all the humble bragging thoughts will just burst out and I'd lose it on some poor stranger when they ask that ridiculous question I get. So to answer that question: I don't know why I am single.
I don't mean it in a conceited way I genuinely just don't know. I don't chose to actively not be with someone but then I don't make the effort to seek someone out. I haven't had any clichéd experiences that have altered my path, no awful boyfriend that's put me off men, I'm not an extreme feminist tarnishing all men with the same brush. Male or female I take everyone as they come, giving them the chance to show me their true self and then I decide if I want their presence around me.
At 21 I thought I was with the guy I was going to be with forever. A lovely, family man who maybe had some skewed priorities but was a good person - in three and a half years together we had three arguments. But our lives were going at different paces in different directions and it came to an abrupt but amicable end. It hit me hard as I feared being alone but that was now two and a half years ago. It is the only relationship I class in my history as serious.
There have been guys I have frequently spent time with since and some I thought could progress to more but no proper relationships occurred. I believe that if I am with someone it is for the long haul so I'm not really an active dater. Things like plenty of fish and Tinder are terrifying to me. I know of some great success stories from both but I wouldn't feel comfortable showcasing just a snapshot of myself then worrying meeting face to face and thinking I am not what they were expecting. We all know which angles work best for us in selfies but spilling a glass of wine over your date because of your clumsiness or allowing your snorting laughter to echo through a fancy restaurant are genuine fears for me so I just leave it all be.
When I meet guys I'm honest. I let them know my career is imperative to me, that my family is a mixed bunch, that I am not a stereotype so please stop calling me Team Lightskin. I know who I am, where I am going and what I want and I will let you know that as to not give any false ideas. This probably comes across as intimidating which I find quite funny. I used to be intimidating to guys because I was a bit of an unladylike beast; bigger and stronger than most of them. I wasn't seen as an option especially during school and college. I was an awkward, ill presented, all singing, all dancing nutter - not exactly a swipe right. Now I have confidence and determination and, rather than my looks, those factors are my barriers.
In the past few months I've had 'How can someone who looks like you be single?'. Ok so you think I am attractive, firstly thank you I appreciate your opinion, secondly that is just your opinion not all straight males in the world which slims down my options. And I'm picky...I mean selective. The amount of times I've spoken about my past boyfriends, showed a picture of them and got 'oh I assumed he'd be bigger/black/muscly' - WHY!? Because I need a tank to match me?! I am not narrow minded when it comes to looks, my brother says I have no type and its true. I am more often than not attracted to someone that can engage my mind - who can converse with me about any number of things and make me laugh. The best date (the first date) I ever had was when we went to an all you can eat - yeah that's right I'm not one of those girls that hides from food on dates - but we ate maybe two things and were the last to leave the restaurant as we chatted straight for four hours.
So to go back to that question, I really don't know but I'm not worried. Granted I said to a friend when she asked the other day 'I don't know, I kind of just want someone to have alone time with and go to Thorpe park with'. And its true, to have someone to share those moments with where its just the two of you making memories in the world. Having a partner in crime is great but I know our paths will cross when the time is just right. I don't want to rush it or settle. I love my life and want to meet someone who loves theirs so we can combine them and create something incredible. Yes I'm 26, no I don't have a boyfriend, finacee, husband, children but I have faith that I will find the most incredible man who will be able to answer the question with 'well its because you were waiting for me'.