This Little Light of Mine
This time two years ago I sat in a doctors surgery and was told, 'Sometimes break ups are hard, but you girls do get a bit silly over them. I'll prescribe you these antidepressants'. A medical professional thought it would be more productive to give me medication and tell me I was 'silly' when I was struggling with feeling worthy, rather than finding me constructive help. That moment made me feel even more irrational and a burden and things got worse. But I didn't take the prescription, I wanted to be able to make myself better. I have nothing against antidepressants and know they have worked for others but I'm a strong willed, stubborn bugger and wanted to do it medicine free.
Through all those days of feeling unimportant, I had hope. Hope that things would get better, that I would achieve my dreams. I set myself a goal that I would make a living performing, it was the only thing I thought I could do. Even when I sat at the back of that lecture room, reluctant to talk to anyone, or engage with the topic of post modern art in theatre, I was sending agent letters and looking at the cheapest places to live in London. I held on to my dream as doubts and troubles swirled around me. I knew I needed to find a new, more productive head space. The only thing I felt I had left was my passion for acting.
Now exactly two years after that doctors appointment, and a year after leaving uni not feeling my true self, and I'm filming a TV series. I could not be happier or more grateful.
Grateful for the struggle, using those painful moments as the logs on my fire, charging me on. Grateful for the agent who took a chance on me and got me in the room. For the people who ALWAYS had faith in me and my abilities, encouraging and supporting me (and for those who didn't but are now taking notice, I see you looking). For the roof over my head, clothes on my back, food in my belly and love in my heart. All these things allow me to be the best I can be and enjoy every second.
This is not luck, this is hard work, determination, passion and love. That little ray of hope that I held onto when I felt darkest shone through when I most needed it. From when I thought 'oh I might be able to do this', to now knowing I can, that light inside grew stronger and brighter. I have had such an incredible experience. EVERYONE was lovely, genuinely every person. The energy on set every day was fun and productive - it's the environment I have been searching for since I decided to fully commit to this career. I have learnt so much from these incredible people and will take all with me on my next job.
The past six months have been life changing. I feel like I have finally found my place. The joy I feel every day is unreal. I used to let every little thing get me down now I can flip and situation to a positive one - I know, me, right?! I want to share all this energy and positivity - if you ever feel you're struggling no matter who are send me a message. I will happily chat to you and try and pass on some of this happiness that has been shared with me.
Open the windows, let in the light and enjoy the view.