We all fear something, it's natural. my fear is slugs, even typing it makes my skin crawl. Actually that's more of a phobia...
My fear is probably falling from great heights, it just doesn't seem fun. But what if I flipped my fear on its head, strapped on a parachute and chucked myself out of the back of a plane? It could be the most exhilarating experience of my life!
I have come to learn that fear is all relative depending on personal mindset and perspective (woah, that made my brain hurt a little). What I mean by that, is that things may seem scary but what matters most is how you face fear and make it something worthwhile.
These days I embrace the fear or uncertainty - I actually kinda thrive on it. The not knowing what is happening next in my life but just having faith and feeling that it will be great. I am fuelled by the need for more, by the fact that I have to keep my eyes open and my ear to the ground (not literally, that would be a bit weird. But possibly a good idea for some conceptual street art....) to be present in this industry and life in general.
Some of you may be thinking 'But how do you survive?' and/or 'Do you not have a steady job?'. Well no I don't. I make connections with great companies that require my skills as and when, then I save and am smart with my money. Its risky but has worked so far and I will continue to make it work. Some like stability, I like spontaneity.
Now don't get it twisted, I'm not one of these ones that shouts 'BUGGER IT! I'm moving to Chile!' Well I did I pop off to Spain that time.... But I often make impulse purchases. Just not the kind most 20-somethings do. My last impulse buy was a ticket to see wonder.land at the NT on Press Night. I saw a tweet about, I bought a ticket. That came from the life account. I have two accounts, see. One is rent and bills, one is for life. I am only allowed to spend from the life account if the R&B account (aka the Usher account) has enough to pay off what I need to that month. Then I make it rain all over the theatre and workshop circuit from the life account!
I did the stable life for a couple of years and it was pleasant enough. Knowing where you're living for the next few months, when you're being paid and how much, do make for a rested mind. But I had a restless soul. Handing in my notice to my teaching job was one of the scariest things I have ever done but that was probably because it was the most liberating. I was fortunate enough to have my parachute on when I took that leap. A parachute in the form of a loving, caring, (even if they didn't quite understand my madness) support network. They held my hand through the worry but are still with me experiencing the joy I feel now.
That's the fun thing about facing your fear - the feeling after. I would say 9 out 10 times, I've faced my fear its been amazing. The one time it doesnt I just learn from and move on. But those nine times wildly surpass that silly one. Like singing in public for the first time in 6 months when I highjacked Dean John-Wilson and Scott Alan's concert last month. Or when I quit uni at 19 with absolutely no plan for my life. Or when I did my first show at uni and let more than one person touch me at once (another previous fear of mine...I am such an oddball). Each one gave me such a liberating feeling afterwards that can't be replicated, because in that moment I was doing what my heart wanted to do, I was free.
I love the quote:
'What if I fall?'
'Oh but my darling, what if you fly?'
You will never know the answer until you strap on a parachute and jump out of the back of that plane...